Nobody else’s rules are my rules. Remember this. You remember. I’ll remember. Nobody else.
Judge me. I don’t give a fuck. I hold myself to a higher standard than any person or society could dare.
When I forget this, everything turns to shit. I need a reminder. A string around my finger. A collar around my neck.
As punishment, I wandered around the hot streets with a backpack full of rocks. My back and shoulders soaked with sweat after only a few minutes. My feet aching after an hour. I kept walking. I kept my pace. I told myself stories. I dug up the ancient scrolls that told of my resurrection.
My back is bruised. I can feel the sore spots where the jagged rocks dug into my skin. This pain is my reminder for now. Trust myself. Trust my instincts. Fuck everyone else. Fuck that thing that creeps in to tell me right and wrong, good and bad. I am my own compass.
You are under me. I am up on my arms. I am sweating in the heat. My tank top sticks to my back. My boxers are wet. You are naked and sweating. The mattress under you shows a dark stain where our sweat has seeped onto the sheet. You pull my hips into you. I stare down. I let you pull me.
I realize, in a moment, that I’m a prick. That I’ve set myself on high and let you suffer. This is the moment when everything changes. I abandon myself and let everything go. I move to lie next to you on my back and I stare at you. You crawl on top of me. You brush the hair off your face but some strands stick to your cheek. You press your palms on my chest and ride me. I ask if you want a cock and you nod and lick your lips. You look sexy, your tongue, but you’re not trying to be; it’s the sweat, the salt. I lick my own lips. I taste it.
Yes, you want my cock. I move to go get it. You kneel on the bed. You’re still fucking some imaginary woman underneath you. I strap on my cock and adjust it, watching you. This becomes a moment, a big part of what is between us right now. You, on the bed, fucking the ghost of me, or someone, while I watch. My hand wanders to my cock and I pull, I push, I twist. You hear me start to pant behind you. A dog with its tongue hanging low. Panting for you. Your ass rocking in the hot air in front of me.
I reach one hand long and let my fingers brush against you. I scratch at you. Your cunt glistens. I lean back and watch your pussy swing back against my cock over and over. I stay just out of reach. The heat is stifling. The tops of my thighs are shiny with sweat. I can smell us both. I like the stink of us in my nose. Animal. We smell dirty now. We need to bathe. This makes me lick you.
My tongue on the back of your thigh. I lick behind each knee. Under the curve of your ass. I slide my face under your pussy; the taste of sex and your sweat all together. I am gluttonous, forgetting about my cock. I hear you moaning a low “No.” I wonder why. Then you almost jump off my mouth and grab me under my shoulders, pulling me up to you. You shove my cock inside you. Now it’s “Yes.” A stream of words from your mouth curses me. I love your curses. You don’t scare me. Curse me now. Forever. Damn me. Banish my soul.
You look down, still fucking me hard, a huge smile on your face. You are two people. The beast fucking me and the woman who sees my shining, wet face and smiles and touches my sticky chin with her fingers. How you do this? I don’t know. You look so innocent at the moment you get off. Then you look up and hold it inside, deep inside yourself for a moment. I get to watch you disappear into that depth. I get to witness the beauty of this private shuddering pleasure. And then you return and laugh at my messy, wet face. You stick your tongue out above me and lean down slowly to lick me clean. You pull on my ears to hold me still.
No rules. How could there be rules? Nobody’s but mine. Not yours. Not theirs. Mine. We each have our own. Remember. Do what you need to do. Find your own reminder.