learning how to tell you

I am filled with desire. Sometimes it burns deep and sometimes it feels mechanical, like a crane swinging too fast and throwing me off balance. Today it is the crane. The metal arm lifts too high and swings too quickly and everything lurches.

Is she at home? I don’t wait for her to answer the phone. Fuck it. Start walking. I can catch the bus. The bus is too slow. It’s always too slow. And I have to sit. I don’t want to sit. I want to be in motion. Get off at the next stop. I don’t care if it takes longer to walk. It’s not about speed. It’s about staying in motion, swinging wildly.

It will take me half an hour. I start to sweat even though it’s cold out. Unbutton my coat and keep going. Fuck it’s cold but I’m sweating and I can feel the hair on my neck getting damp. Keep walking. Don’t smoke. Is she there?

I get to her place. The door to her building is unlocked so I go on in and climb the stairs. I’m standing outside her door trying to catch my breath. I don’t want to wait. Let her see me breathless. I knock. I hate the buzzer. It interrupts. It’s too loud. I prefer to knock. She knows it’s me.

She’s here. The chain slides off and the dead bolt clicks and now she’s cracked the door. ‘It’s me,’ I say like an idiot. She can see me. Of course it’s me. She smiles, ‘Hello you,’ and swings the door open.

I’m inside. She closes the door behind me and I grab her hips. I turn her around and press her slowly up against the door. I move my hands up to her shoulders. I pin her there. I look down. I slide a boot in between her bare feet and slowly push her legs apart. Her arms are hanging at her sides. She doesn’t quite know what to do with me appearing out of the blue, red cheeked, panting.

I grab her wrists and lift them up to my shoulders like we’re slow dancing. I slide one hand to the small of her back, keeping the other one pinning her shoulder to the door. I stare at her. I put my nose against hers and my forehead on her forehead. My skin is damp from the quick walk, hot and cold together.

I bring my hand up from her shoulder and squeeze her jaw. I kiss her. Her fingers move into my hair. She’s pulling on me, trying to drag me down to the floor maybe. But I’m standing. Still holding her jaw while I kiss her.

I put my hand behind her neck and turn quickly, pulling her to follow. We make it to the narrow hallway and I have to stop. I swing my body quickly and press her up against the wall. She grabs at my belt. I start to pull at her clothes. ‘Off,’ is all I manage to say and she helps me get her clothing off of her. My pants are undone now but still up. My shirt is halfway unbuttoned. My jacket has somehow disappeared. I look and see it behind me a few paces on the hallway floor. We both laugh at it splayed out like that.

I pick her up or she somehow climbs me, her legs wrapping around me and I find myself holding her ass and thighs and pressing her up against the wall. She is above me. Her neck has to curve and bend to kiss me now. I lean my head back and up to her. Her breasts are against my chest. I am pressing my weight against her. I can feel her wet cunt low on my belly.

I drag her a few feet against the wall. I’m thrusting my hips and digging my belly as deep as it can go against her. We are both wet with sweat now. She is getting slippery. Her wet thighs in my hands are harder to hold. My knees are bent and I’m shifting her down a little against my jeans. Her arms are still around my neck. She wraps her legs around me and I stumble with her to her bed.

I set her down and she looks at me. She unbuttons my shirt the rest of the way down and slips it off my shoulders before she pushes herself back on the mattress and lays down. She slides her arms under head like she’s relaxed and waiting. I take her in.

I put my hand on her foot and I get on my knees between her ankles. I run my hand up her leg while she watches me. My mouth is open. I’m staring at her cunt and the sweet curls of hair surrounding it. My fingers move from her hips into these curls and I stare into her eyes as I slide my hand into her wetness and explore every fold. My tongue is resting just on my lower lip. I can feel the saliva building under it. I look down at my hand and she tilts her head, arches her back.

I bring my mouth down to my hand and spread her open; staring up close and breathing deeply. My mouth is just above her clit. I reach my tongue long and lick her low, slowing everything down for a minute. I can hear her breathing. I feel my heart pounding. She is moving, physically uncomfortable in her desire to be fucked now. It makes me smile and wait another second.

Then I am nibbling at her. Sucking as I move my tongue. My fingers rub against her before she moans and lifts her hips and I push three fingers quickly inside her. I hook and press and pull and suck with my mouth. She is gripping my fingers and pulsing. There’s no reason to slow down. I have nowhere else to go all afternoon and evening.

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #35 ? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates! Note: Wondering why there is no Top 3 this edition? Read the latest Editor’s Note to find out why, and what you can do to help prevent this from happening in the future.

~ Featured Posts (Picked by Lilly) ~

The Ultrasound and the Fury- I cried softly and my partner moved closer to the table so I could lay my cheek against him for comfort and support. Then they brandished a wand and explained they needed to take pictures inside of me. And told him to get out.

Vagina in the Wild - Adventures in Pantslessness - They are self-cleaning and self-lubricating. They are a wonderfully well designed body part that speaks of feminine power and beauty. They leave wet spots on the couch.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

The Ultimate Guide to Silicone Sex Toys – With Metis Black of Tantus, Inc. - I picked the brain of Metis Black, the fabulous woman behind Tantus Inc, makers of some very awesome silicone sex toys. Get your sex geek on and find out some myths and facts about silicone sex toys!

Kink & Fetish

As Is Custom
Consent and negotiation
Fishnets and Spanking and Sleep
In room entertainment
Ladies’ Night: My First Time at an All-Womens’ Sex Party
Learn the rope of knots: Overhand Knot
slapping…drinking…and other wacky fun…
That Moment

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

An Open Letter to Rush Limbaugh
Erotic-On Me
Eyes Wide Smut
Strangers on a Train

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Bondage Insecurities
Cunnilingus 101
Getaway Sex vs Everyday Sex
Gifts from Lover’s
Innies, Outties & 3-Ways
Im 35 and My Mum Can Hear Me Having Sex
Mono or Poly
Mmm, the kissage!
Never Pinch a Sadist #3: Relationship Rules
Primary? Alpha?
Safewords in the Real World
Shields
The long distance thing
The Next Evolution – Swinging-Open Marriage-Polyamory

Erotic Writing

A Good Day and Sexzy Night
50 Ways to Fuck Your Lover
Blissful Candlelit Climax
Cunny Honey
Easy Like Sunday Mornings
Fingertips
first date
In which… I go to my first party (Part I)
I’m the Slut
How It All Started
Mount’n Dew
Our Sex Diary (Part Two!)
Rain
Rendezvous
Some Truth…About Cocksucking
Sensuality
She Takes Control
The Chair - The Execution
The Beast
That Familiar Maddening Thrill
The Importance of (Emotional and Physical) Self-Love
Vignette 2: Traffic Stop
Working Out
Whore’s Mouth

Hi there. My name is BD Swain.

When I started this blog, I didn’t have a name. I didn’t know what this was. I only knew that I needed to say some things.

I had no idea that anyone would read the things I wrote. I had no idea how anyone would find me.

Those of you who read my blog regularly and re-blog, click like, send me notes - you amaze me. You make me want to keep writing.

So now I have a name. 

And I plan to keep doing this for awhile. Thank you.

— BD

i found a chain. it had been in use out at the farm. it was terribly short and had only been used to close a gate. but it was heavy and thick. heavier than any chain i’d ever held. i ran it between my thumb and fingers. i held it at my side and it was just long enough that it dragged on the floor. i loved it. it was perfect. it was useless and perfect.

i cleaned it. i oiled it and rubbed each link with a bright red rag. it stayed perfectly dull but it was clean. it was a muddy brownish color after so many years of being out at the farm. i stroked it with my fingers. i was shocked by its heaviness. so heavy. it was no longer than the length of my arm from my shoulder to my wrist.

i took it down into the basement and walked across the floor with it hanging beside me. it sang it’s perfect tune as i dragged it across the cement. i sat on the mattress and cradled it, admiring my perfect little chain. then i grabbed my phone.

‘i have a surprise,’ i told her, ‘when can you come?’ we made plans.

i led her to the basement when she got to my place. she laughed a bit nervously. she had never been to the basement. it’s cold and she hates the cold. but i wanted the cement floor. i had put some heaters down there earlier and warmed the room up. but they were gone now. it would get cold again.

the basement has a low ceiling. the floor is rough cement. i have a mattress on the floor and a year ago i bolted some clips into the cement at the head and foot of the mattress. i liked the room to look bare and raw. there was a bare bulb in a socket that plugged into the wall and lay on the floor off in the corner. the room had a mood to it. it set the scene.

i watched her face as she took it in. her cheeks blushed down to her neck. her eyes were wide. she wasn’t sure about this. about me. so i spoke very softly, very gently.

‘i’d like you to stand at the foot of the mattress.’

she looked at me, searching my face. she made a decision and walked over to the mattress, turning back towards me ready for her next instruction. i smiled at her, ‘good,’ i said, ‘thank you.’

‘i’d like you to unbutton your shirt. stare at me while you do and go slowly please.’ she held her head up and stared into my eyes then slowly drew her hands up to the top button. my eyes moved down to watch her fingers undo each button. i already ached for her but tried to keep my expression cold and still. i nodded my approval. i saw her smile and blush deeper.

‘you are very good,’ i told her, ‘so calm. i appreciate that. now will you take your shoes and pants off?’ she lifted one leg and then the other nimbly behind her and slipped off her low sneakers. she unzipped her jeans and slid them down and off. she looked back up at me, her arms at her side, there in her bra and panties. she looked stunning and a little nervous. i wanted to hold her. i wanted to rub my rough jeans against her and let my belt scratch her. but not yet.

‘will you lay down on the mattress for me now?’ my words were soft and polite but my tone was more insistent. i wanted her to feel the demand behind my sweet words. she sat back on the mattress and pulled her body up until she lay on her back.

‘no,’ i said, sounding disappointed, ‘not on your back.’

she looked at me. i saw her hesitate. she was already so vulnerable. i waited. her pause was long enough that i thought this might end here, but after a tense minute, she took a breath and rolled over onto her stomach. she was there. she lifted her ass on the mattress and spread her arms and legs for me. ‘very nice,’ i told her and walked towards her.

i buckled my thickest leather bracelets on her wrists and ankles. i tied her down but not at the four corners of the mattress. i pulled her arms straight in front of her and her legs straight behind. her hands and feet were off the mattress and clipped to the floor. but she had room to move, to lift her hips.

i spread myself on top of her, holding my weight up on my hands and knees. pressing my cunt against her ass, i bent my face into her neck and whispered, ‘you are mine right now and i thank you for it. i am going to thank you for a long time tonight. are you ready for that?’ her body shivered under me, ‘yes,’ she said quickly. she shut her eyes.

i nibbled the back of her neck. just my teeth on her spine and my jeans on her ass touched her now. i curved my belly to stay off her back. i ran my teeth down to her shoulder and slowly across to her other shoulder. sometimes my teeth were delicate and sometimes i left a mark and she would suck in her breath. ‘breathe steady,’ i told her, ‘you are doing so well.’

i pulled up on one arm and grabbed her hair with my free hand. i pulled her head back and pushed her into the mattress so her face tilted up a little to the ceiling. i kissed her on the mouth. her tongue was quick. she wanted contact. she wanted my reassurance. i kissed her deeply. i moved off her back and knelt beside her. i held her face in my hands and leaned down low to kiss her again. i let myself fall on the mattress beside her. we kissed like this for a long time until i ran a finger down her spine.

‘let me get your surprise,’ i said and jumped off the mattress, my boots stomping away over the concrete. i heard her moan. i lifted the chain off the floor slowly to let each link click into place for her to hear. i walked slowly back to her letting it scrape and drag by my foot. i lifted it in the air above her, she was craning her neck to see but couldn’t quite. ‘it’s heavy,’ i said as i let it touch her shoulder. i dragged it very lightly at first down her back just to the edge of her panties and then back up.

i let it fall more heavily the next run it took down her spine. this time I dragged it over her ass and let it fall between her legs, resting against her pussy. she moaned again. i looked and saw her eyes were closed. ‘keep your eyes closed,’ i growled, ‘i want you to smell it.’ i coiled it slowly under her nose on the mattress beside her.

‘would you like to lick it?’ i asked. she nodded and stuck out her tongue. i watched her tongue snake through the links. i grabbed at her panties, tugging them down to dig my nails into her fleshy ass. i bit her. she jumped a little but kept licking the chain. i slapped her ass. first gently and then building. she lifted her hips up to me. she humped the mattress as i spanked her harder with each smack. ‘who am i?’ i asked. ‘my daddy,’ she answered. ‘keep licking,’ i said.

i buried my mouth at the low curve of her ass where it meets her thigh. i licked and sucked her there and teased her pussy through her panties with my fingers. i grabbed my chain again and ran it the length of her body down the right side and up the left. i stretched it out along her back. she felt the true heaviness of it. i licked her back along the edges of the metal. i could smell her on it now.

‘lift your hips higher for me,’ i said. i was panting now. i couldn’t hide it. as she raised up, i got on my back and slid my face under her, sucking on her pussy through her panties. i grabbed the chain and dragged it down her back until it hung off her ass and between her legs. i held it at both ends and rubbed her with it, kissing her belly and her hip bones.

i draped it across the small of her back and pulled her onto my face. i sucked her through her panties until i couldn’t stand it any longer and then pulled them down to her knees and kicked them with my boot down to her ankles.

i reached over the edge of the mattress and grabbed the first dildo i put my hand on. i was too in it to take my time choosing one. the chain was rolling on her back. she was up on her knees positioning herself onto my face. my tongue was on her and i pushed the cock inside her. she hadn’t heard me grab it. she was surprised and laughed and groaned. I heard her pull on her bindings. i fucked her roughly and sucked on her. the angle and the roughness made it last a frustratingly long time for her but not long enough for me.

i was fully clothed and on my back with my knees bent like a mechanic. my face shiny and slick with her. i slid up the mattress next to her, dragging my chain with me up her side. i unbuckled her wrists and kissed her. i unbuckled her ankles. i slipped her panties off her feet. i unhooked her bra. i pushed her a little and rolled her onto her back. i draped the chain across her belly just under her breasts. i pressed my lips against her ear and whispered, ‘we are just at the beginning.’ she let out a deep, throaty laugh and grabbed my head in both her hands before i rolled on top of her.

In honor of suddenly having 50 of you following me (amazing, thank you), here is a list of 50 ways to fuck your lover:

1. on the deck of the last ferry in the cold, dark night after a fancy date. unbutton one button of her long coat, just below her waist and slip your hand under. pull her skirt up with your fingers, turn her around to face the water and stand behind her. fuck her quickly while you breath on her neck.

2. in the corner of a dark club. press her up against the wall. undo her belt, unzip her jeans and shove your fingers into her pants. look like you’re making out. slide your wet hand into your pocket after she comes and buy her another drink before you leave together.

3. grab her in the kitchen and drag her into the living room before dinner’s ready. bend her over the back of a chair and lift her skirt up onto her back. rub and smack her ass and the backs of her thighs through her panties and then slip them off of her. get her off with your hand between her legs while you bite the back of her neck.

4. sit on the floor with your head leaning back onto the couch. ask her to kneel on the couch and straddle your face, with her arms up against the wall. hold her ass with your hands while you suck her clit.

5. run a hot bath for her and roll up your sleeves. get on your knees and bathe her sweetly. let her lean back and hold her head in the crook of your arm while you slip your hand under the water and feel her slick pussy that is wetter than wet. circle her clit with your fingers and kiss her as she comes.

6. slip outside during a party and find a place to hide in the darkness. get on your knees and lift her skirt. suck her off while she pulls on your hair and hits your shoulders.

7. book an overnight at a hotel. check in early and set up restraints under the mattress. hide your bag of toys under the side table opposite the door. wear a strap on under your pants as you drive her there. surprise her as soon as you’re in the room. tie her up and fuck her before dinner.

8. let someone you both trust watch.

9. go out at night to look at the stars. bring a blanket. lie next to her and unbutton her shirt, unzip her pants. let her watch the sky while you fuck her and suck on her neck.

10. bind her wrists behind her back while she sits in a wooden chair. torture her nipples and then put your warm, wet mouth on them. push your soft, flat tongue against her pussy through her panties until they are soaking wet. leave them on but push them aside with your mouth. suck on her clit while you fuck her with three fingers crooked inside her.

11. wear a flexible cock under your baggy jeans and wait for her to come home. get her a drink and then sit down, inviting her onto your lap. let her rub against you working up to a quick fuck in the chair.

12. let her tie you down spread eagle on the mattress. wear your largest cock. ask her to climb on top of you.

13. fuck her up the ass while she’s on all fours. wrap an arm around her with your fingers rubbing her cunt and clit. have one arm stretched out with a hand gripping her shoulder.

14. wear a flexible cock under your pants. pull over on the way home from a party. push the passenger seat as far back as it will go, lean the backrest all the way down, and let her straddle you.

15. visit her parents. fuck her in her childhood bed.

16. visit your parents. fuck her in your childhood bed.

17. photograph her masturbating. use a polaroid camera. show her how beautiful she is and then fuck her.

18. drop her off at a bar and drive around the block a few times. go inside and pretend you don’t know each other. watch her flirt with other butches at the bar. let them buy her drinks. watch her dance with someone. when it’s late, take her home and bend her forward onto the bed. push her into the mattress as you fuck her from behind and tell her what a slut she was back at the bar.

19. go see a late night movie. park in the corner of the garage. fuck her with your fingers in the car before you leave the parking lot.

20. hold her dick in your hand and pump it while you fuck her up the ass.

21. get on your knees and suck her cock. while you bump it against her clit, slide a wet finger up her ass and stroke it in and almost out until she gets off.

22. let her tie you up in a chair. have your cock sticking out of your fly. let her blindfold you. let her beat your chest with her fists. let her slap your face. take whatever she gives you. kiss her tenderly when she puts her mouth on yours. keep your shoulders wide and steady when she grips them as she straddles you and pumps up and down on your cock.

23. kneel between her legs and use a stiff, curved dildo on her. tug and pull on it, hooking it upwards inside her. watch her squirt just before she comes and tell her how fucking hot she is.

24. take her to a museum for the day. brush up against her ass so often throughout the day that you both get turned on and you go fuck in the bathroom.

25. let her bring someone home. watch them fuck her.

26. chain her up against the door and stand in front of her while you fuck her with a hand held dildo. keep your lips just a little too far away from her mouth until she’s about to get off and then kiss her hard, shoving her head against the door.

27. call her from work and tell her everything you’re going to do to her when you see her. tell her to touch herself and imagine it. keep talking until she tells you to stop.

28. go to the hardware store with her. pick out the naughtiest looking things you can find. go home and laugh hysterically while also getting seriously turned on by your new equipment.

29. raid the kitchen for as many possible objects to fuck with as you can find. lock the bedroom door and try them all out on each other.

30. call in sick at work. spend all day in bed fucking. even when you are both exhausted and sore, keep fucking until it’s 5 o’clock. take naps if necessary.

31. wake her up in the middle of the night sucking on her neck. tell her you don’t want her to touch you, this is all about her. whisper what you’re about to do just before you do it. keep a running commentary and let her sink deep into it. ‘now i’m going to lift your shirt…’ and lift her shirt. end by telling her what your tongue will do on her pussy and how your fingers will enter her. then shut up and fuck her.

32. sit on the bed with your back against something. let her rest between your legs, leaning back onto your chest. ask her to unbutton her shirt and pants. ask her to touch herself. help her and kiss her neck.

33. go to the thrift store and buy clothes as cheap as you can that fit. get thin cotton shirts with buttons or whatever you like. after they’re washed, both of you put them on and chase each other around - grabbing and ripping at the clothes until they’re off. feel like an animal while you fuck.

34. go for a hike really early in the morning. choose a difficult, narrow trail. after you’ve hiked for awhile and are panting, find a small path into the woods and fuck up against a tree quietly.

35. early in the afternoon, check into a hotel in a busy city. ask for a room with a window onto the street. fuck her in the afternoon in front of the wide open curtains. fuck her again at night in front of the wide open curtains with the all the lights on in the room and see the reflection of what anyone looking up can see.

36. blindfold her while she’s still dressed. run your hands over every inch of her, clothed. undress her slowly. take your time. let her feel your warm breath on her skin. sit her down in a chair and kiss her on the mouth without touching her. let her reach for you. grab her wrists and bind them with bondage tape. bind her to the chair, first her arms to the chair arms and then bind her chest to the back of it. back away and look at her. tell her how gorgeous she is. tell her you’ll take good care of her. reach a hand between her legs and slowly tease the wetness from her pussy. watch her shift in the chair against your hand. end with your mouth on her. after she comes, remove her blindfold and let her watch you rip the bondage tape off with your teeth.

37. let her invite a lover home. let her tie you up against the doorframe with your hands over your head. watch her get fucked by her lover.

38. get dressed up for a fancy night out. watch her put on her panties and bra and pull up her stockings. help her clip them to her garter belt. shove your face against her pussy. agree to skip the night out, but keep getting dressed and try to keep your hands off her. after she’s dressed, bend her over your knee for a good spanking. get the paddle out and unhook her garters, pull down her panties and paddle her ass until it’s red and sore. take off your pants and put on a strap-on. leave your shirt and dress socks on. have her lift her dress as she settles down on top of you to fuck.

39. make up after a drunken fight. forget whatever stupid thing you were fighting about. take off your shirt but leave your tank top on and your jeans and boots. go to the kitchen to rinse out the beer bottles. wash one with boiling hot water. find her sleepy in bed and run the bottle along her side. kiss her. take off all her clothes and fuck her passionately with the bottle while you circle her clit with a finger and kiss her mouth.

40. watch a movie on the couch together. start making out. wrestle her to the floor and get behind her. pull an arm behind her back gently, but firmly, and bend her down onto the couch. reach around and undo her belt. fuck her with your fingers while you grind against her ass.

41. get naked with her in bed. light massage candles and let them drip on her back. sit on her ass while you massage her back and shoulders. lie down on top of her and rub your body against hers. lift her ass up into the air and slide a hand beneath her. lick her ass while she moans into the pillow and your fingers circle her clit.

42. ask her to tie you down on the bed. arms and legs spread eagle. have her blindfold you. talk to her while she masturbates next to you. tell her what you imagine her doing. ask her to lie so that her skin is next to yours and you feel her moving. ask her to sit on your face.

43. go to a party. spend the whole night apart, talking with other people. keep looking at her. watch her flirt with other people. bring her a drink when you see she needs one, kiss her on the cheek and move on. don’t say a word in the car. don’t say a word when you get home, but grab her hand and take her into the bedroom. get on top of her and whisper in her ear that she was a naughty girl at the party. ask her to tell you about it. let her whisper what a bad girl she was and how she thought about fucking other people. fuck her with your cock while she whispers all this in your ear and tells you how sorry she is.

44. on a lazy afternoon when you’re doing chores around the house, grab her and lean her back onto the coffee table. jerk her pants off of her and fuck quickly.

45. let her bring home a lover and take turns fucking her.

46. using scissors, slowly snip the buttons off her shirt. cut her bra off her. pull her jeans down and cut through her panties. put the scissors away and pinch and rub her skin roughly. suck on her skin in places and move your hands under her ass. press half your weight onto her side and kiss her while you fuck her with a dildo in your hand.

47. grab her in the hallway when you pass each other casually. fuck quickly up against the wall.

48. take off your shirt but leave your jeans on so that you’re naked from the waist up. ask her to tie you to the door with your back facing her. let her whip your back and feel it sting. feel her press her soft breasts onto your stinging back. feel her kiss you. when she unhooks your wrists, take her to the bed and bury your face in her pussy until she screams out.

49. on your way out the door to meet friends, grab her wrist and drag her back to the couch. let her yell at you about how you’re going to be late but smile at her until she laughs. fuck her as quickly as you can and then go.

50. fuck her and then write about it.