i like to think of her as free. but she’s too busy; we’re both too busy. we almost never get to see each other. i am too far away. someday, i’ll be there, but not yet. a few days ago i told her to find the time. ‘find time to fuck yourself,’ i whispered on the phone. ‘i never have time,’ she said, ‘i run around all day and night until i collapse in bed too exhausted.’ ‘find the time,’ i repeated.
a few days passed and we hadn’t spoken. i miss her all the time. i can always feel her with me in the back of my mind even when i get too busy to call up thoughts of her. at night i am often too exhausted but when i wake up my first thoughts are usually about her. if i wake up early enough, i imagine her there with me. i think about what i want her to do to me, what i want to do to her. i picture her hand slipping under the covers and under my boxers. just this thought makes me instantly wet and wanting her. i tease myself and squeeze my thighs together, stretching my legs long like i’m being pulled. i run my other hand across my breasts trying to imagine it’s her. fucking frustrating, trying to feel her hands on me instead of my own.
i grab my new little curved wooden dildo. it’s incredibly beautiful, a handmade art sex object. smooth wood reclaimed from various building projects - mine is made from old stairs that were demolished. it’s small and always a perfect temperature. it is by far my new favorite. i can’t wait to show it to her. but for now it’s just me, alone with my beautiful toy.
it curves so beautifully, a perfect, wide u-shape with knobs on either end. i hook it inside me and pull. i’ve never ejaculated, but i feel like it might be possible someday so i like to try. maybe i’ll never be able to do it alone. ‘damn it, i wish she was here with me now,’ my mind is racing and desperate, ‘come on, think about her. picture her here next to me, leaning up on one arm watching me. bending over and kissing me. her hand on mine, pushing and pulling. now taking over and gripping the wooden knob, she looks so strong when she fucks me. she looks so strong always, but especially when she fucks me.’ it breaks my train of thought, i’m picturing those big muscled women in old industrial kitchens or laundries, the women in the 40s building ships. those muscles that surprised many of them and made them feel capable and free.
'fuck, now i have to start over, where was i?' when she is not here for too long i get lost. i miss her too much and forget how to imagine her here with me. focus. pushing deeply in and pulling out, the smooth knob pulls and catches. my cunt gets wetter and i feel that smooth burn grow. two fingers circle my clit, slipping in the wetness, it's thick and overwhelmingly slippery now. i want her here. i search my memory for the feel of her fingers, for the smell of her skin. 'i'm yours,' i whisper, 'i'm yours.' saying this generally lets me climax. those words or that thought opens everything up and i come in waves of pleasure. a bigger orgasm than usual. i noticed the intensity of those words several weeks ago. i haven't told her. it feels too raw. i half-heartedly attempt to get off again, but i'm too spent. and the truth is that now i just miss her too much.
later that day, i call and we talk about how to see each other, but it will be weeks. ‘patience. patience. patience.’ i squeeze my fists and take a long walk with music blasting in my ears. it’s too easy for me to shift straight from sadness to anger. when i’m sad or hurt, my self-preservation instincts take over and i’m angry. angry at nothing sometimes, but anger gets me thinking. anger is my cocaine. my head feels clear and i can think my way through anything. i walk and i stomp and blast music and figure it out. ‘it will happen,’ i venture to believe. ‘we can work this out someday.’ and i have started a new plan and feel calm again.
'did you find the time?' i ask her. silence. 'you know what i mean,' i prod, 'i want to hear about it.' silence. 'okay, i'm hanging up,' i sigh. i'm frustrated and feeling more grouchy than playful. 'wait,' she says. 'you're going to get something from me.' i feel myself get hot all over and i can't think to say a word. then she says, 'yes, i found the time. thank you.' and with a click she disappears.
'fuck,' i'm thinking, 'this girl.' i'm walking around like i own the world. i'm going to get something and i can tell it's going to be worth it. maybe she's coming early? i drive myself nuts with all the possibilities.
there’s a package. i’m running up the stairs to my apartment and fumbling with my keys to get inside. i drop the keys there on the floor when i lock the door behind me and rip the package open. it’s a dvd; she’s burned me a dvd. ‘holy shit, it’s a movie,’ i say the words out loud and a big smile creeps across my face thinking, ‘good goddamn, this is a fine woman.’
i don’t have a tv, so i get out my laptop and sit down on the couch. wait. i want a drink. she would want me to have a drink and let myself slip into this completely. i get up and scramble in the kitchen for some ice and pull the nice vodka out of the freezer. vodka on the rocks with a squeeze of lime and i’m back on the couch. play.
it’s dim. everything is yellowed and a little grainy because the camera doesn’t have enough light to see. it’s just the bed and her side table and the lamp. ‘this is for you,’ she whispers off-camera and she sounds a little nervous. then i see her walking to the bed. she’s barefoot and wearing the boxers i lost last time i visited and a v neck t shirt. she knows how hot i think she looks when she wears something butch - so different for her. to see her in my boxers makes my jaw drop. i sip on the vodka, ‘god damn.’
she sits on the bed and looks at the camera, at me. she’s looking almost straight ahead, the camera is positioned in just the place my eyes would be if i was sitting there. it’s at an angle, at the corner of the bed. she just stares and let me take this all in. and then she smiles. and i smile.
she opens the drawer of her table and pulls out a long cock. i’ve never seen this one before. she sets it next to her on the bed and then gets up again. she comes back with a towel and puts the dildo on the towel and gets out a bottle of lube and something else i can’t make out, something small. then she lays down and lifts her knees.
i watch her hands. they start on her thighs, reaching down and squeezing her thighs, sometimes moving inside her legs, sometimes sweeping around and down to her ass. her hands move over her shirt and pull on the v neck, pulling it down and revealing one breast, tightening the soft cotton over her skin. as she runs her hands over her breasts, one through the shirt and one exposed, i can see her nipples swell. she is squeezing her breasts and her hips are starting to move. She pulls her fingers to her mouth, wets them, and then pinches her nipple through the shirt with wet fingers. ‘what the fuck is she doing?’ i take another, bigger sip of my vodka and undo my belt and the buttons of my jeans, but leave it there. i just want to be ready.
she wets her fingers in her mouth again. i can see a string of saliva as she pulls them out but she puts them back again getting them slicked with spit. now she pinches again and runs the spit around her nipple through the shirt. the cotton is wet and sticking to her and i can see the darker color around her nipple through the thin cotton. she lets out a low moan as she squeezes and pulls harder. it’s so beautiful.
she moves her hand to the towel and slowly picks up the little object, as she lifts it, i see she’s gotten herself nipple clamps. she lifts one clamp and the chain unrolls and the other clamp swings off the bed. she drips the chain down onto her belly and pulls her shirt slowly over her head and off. everything is slow. everything has been paced. she found time.
she clamps first one and then both nipples and the chain drapes between her full breasts. she winced a little putting them on, but now adjusts them and it looks like she’s making them tighter. her mouth opens wide for a second and she gasps and arches her back. something felt good. i run my fingers through my hair and grip my drink tightly. my apartment feels stiflingly hot. i set my drink down, shift the laptop a little and jerk off my shirt. i can’t bear to pause it, so i just move as quickly as i can.
she tugs on the shiny silver chain and her breasts lift. she scratches at her sides, i can see small lines surface on her skin. she scratches her neck. she puts a thumb just under her chin and holds her neck, pushes her head back a little with that thumb. moves her hand again and reaches into her hair. she is feeling her hands and imagining mine and knowing that i see her, or will see her. i want to push my hand into my pants but stop myself. first, i just want to watch her. be there completely for her. this is beautiful.
after what feels like a really long time, her hand moves to her (my) boxers and disappears. i watch her move slowly and then i look at her face and see that smile she gets. she stays just like this for minutes. i’ve finished my drink but can’t possibly move. i don’t need more booze anyway, i already feel dizzy with this. now she looks at the camera. she stares right into it while she pulls the boxers off. she grabs the towel puts it under a knee. she grabs the cock and holds the bottle several inches above it and lets the lube drip down so i can see. she strokes this long cock to get it slick, but keeps stroking it and i realize just how slow she’s going to take this.
she brings the cock between her legs but positions it like it’s her own dick. one hand strokes it long and slow while the other holds it against her body. she’s pressing it against her clit and giving herself the hottest fucking hand job. i can’t help myself, jamming my hand under my boxers and i’m so fucking wet it makes me laugh out loud. ‘jesus,’ i think. i can tell i’m already about to explode so i find a shred of self-control and bring my hand back out. i just want to watch. she reaches up for a minute and tugs the chain, her back arches high up off the bed and her mouth opens wide. then her hand is back on her cock and moving faster. i can hear the sound of the lube between her fingers and sliding up and down her cock. she is twisting her hand around it as she pumps it harder and harder against her body. and then i see her jerk her hips and press it to her. the hand that was holding the base almost jumps up into the air and drags down her neck. she came. i can hear her breathing. she just stays there in it for a little bit.
slowly, she moves the cock and turns on her side, reaching down for the towel. i was not expecting this. i’m sitting there stunned. she’s staring at the camera again and smiling. she knows just how hot that was. she can imagine me sitting here just like this and read my expression. i see all of it in her look. she just stays there staring. and i’m smiling back at my computer screen like an idiot. and then she rolls onto her back again and lifts her hips, placing the towel underneath her. and grabs that long cock and the lube and starts over. the lube dripping down, rubbing the dildo and all the time a big fucking smile on her face. ‘you,’ i say out loud, ‘you are a motherfucker and i love it.’
this time she pushes the cock into her. she slowly draws it all the way out and back in again. all the way out. over and over again with excruciating slowness. my muscles relax when she leaves it inside her and picks up the pace of her still deep thrusts. i realize i had been sitting there with every muscle tensed and my neck and shoulders ache from it. her body is moving now. a few times, she pulls on the chain and the clamps lift her nipples up higher and she moans out loud, but mostly she is quiet and instead i hear the slapping wet noise of this cock entering her over and over again. finally she puts her fingers on her clit and i’m mesmerized by the way her wrist jerks and her fingers so beautifully move and rub. she is getting close now, i can see it in her face and she’s starting to almost whine. it’s exquisite. the sounds grow louder and she pulls out and i catch a glimpse of the steam that follows. and she keeps rubbing her clit and soon fully erupts and pulls her knees up and rolls over with her back to the camera. i can see her pussy between her legs and it’s beautifully wet.
i allow my hand in my pants and barely touch myself before i have an explosive orgasm that leaves my boxers soaking wet. my palm is slick and shiny when i pull my hand out.
she has rolled over and is staring at me through the camera again. her smile tells me that she sees through this time and distance and knows i’ve just gotten off. and she seems to know just how good it was.
Some femmes are dominant and some butches are submissive. Some men have vaginas and some women have penises. Sometimes what you call a clit is called a dick by it’s owner, and sometimes a dick is really a clit. Some straight men want to be penetrated and some straight women want to do it. Sometimes people aren’t men or women at all and sometimes genitals aren’t a black and white issue. Sometimes people are different to you, and always, we need to accept this.
we are on the bed wrestling. the stakes are control - who gets it. we usually start out laughing but it always turns serious. always. and it’s hot. i love how we fight. i look for the scratches and bruises the next morning and finger them all day remembering how they got there.
it’s never been black and white for us. we explore different sides of ourselves when we’re together. I can’t say why it’s different with her, but somehow it just is. when we met we identified as queer but not really butch or femme. well, she is certainly far more of a femme than i am butch. and her femme is a powerful thing to be in the presence of. i kneel down to her on a regular basis and she devours me.
if i win, it’s because she lets me. she gives up, panting and looking up at me pissed off. if the room is warm enough, some of her hair will be sticking to her cheek with sweat. and i’m sitting on her hips holding her down, my hands on her wrists. i love this moment. she stares right back at me daring me to look as long as she can hold my gaze. she can stare. i tend to start feeling like a trapped animal and feel myself dying to shake it off. but sometimes, i can stay with it and calm way down. my eyes become my passion and i stare and hold her in this look until she feels it. i wait and see it welling up in her. and then i get to smile.
we wrestle like a rodeo show. it’s wild and scrappy until someone is on top and everything is still. the balance is struck and both sides relax into the outcome. here i am on top of her. now i get to kiss her. i get to sit on her pinning her down while i unbutton her shirt. i can stare long at her and she lets me; she watches me.
every time i get to touch her it feels new. there is always something more to experience and learn. i silently count up all the marks on her skin. i run my fingers under seams and unhook hooks, undo buckles, inch her clothes down and off.
'take your time,' she says. she speaks to me like we're sitting down at breakfast. she sounds so matter-of-fact about it all. it always makes me smile to hear her. i think of it sometimes when she asks me to pass the butter in the morning. i smile to myself and remember that tone in such a different setting and it will set me off again. she might wonder why i suddenly grab her at breakfast and kiss her like we're fucking… this is why. i love this.
'take your time,' she said. she used to have to say it more urgently. she used to have to remind me all the time to slow down. before i felt sure enough of her to breath. i would rush as if she might walk away at any minute. but now she says it because she likes to say it out loud. she says it to let me hear it. she says it to give me the space to enjoy her when i end up on top. when she lets me end up on top.
but mostly, she wins. and it goes like this:
she stretches out above me with a look of victory on her face. she gets up on her knees and her arms pin me down. she flattens her palms on mine and wraps her fingers through mine. she brings her face just above mine and gloats. she almost gets a mean look in her eye. or maybe it is mean and i just pretend it isn’t. she is greedy and i appreciate her greed.
she flattens down on me with her legs still under her. she slowly sits back on my hips and leans her ass farther back pressing against my pelvic bone. she looks like she’s deep in prayer in this pose and her breath tickles my face. she likes to tease me, keeping her lips off my skin and just letting me feel the warmth from her skin near me. she rises and falls on me slowly, lifting her hips and pressing them back down. she inches her way down, rocking against me. i start to melt for her. i can’t get this soft for most girls. it’s her.
she knows what i had to go through as a kid. how i had to hide what felt like every true part of me. she knows how i default to be the one who holds it together, the one taking care of everything. she knows it takes a strong femme to release me. she is strong enough for both of us in these moments. she makes it safe for me to surface and expose my soft skin.
i let her undress me. my breasts exposed to her, the curve of my waist. underneath my clothes i am a woman but she holds me as butch. she doesn’t lie about it or ignore what i expose for her. but she holds it in the way she looks at me.
i let her unbuckle my belt and slowly pull it out of my belt loops. sometimes she uses it to keep me still. sometimes she slides it under my shoulders and pulls me to her. i let her unbutton my jeans. she slips a finger under the elastic of my boxers and leans down to kiss my stomach. she takes her top off and leaving her bra on, presses into me. takes my face in her hands and kisses my mouth, nips at my lips until i open for her and her tongue fills me. she squeezes my head in her hands when she kisses me like this. she chases away everything that could interrupt us. ‘stay here with me,’ she whispers, ‘don’t wander.’
and then she’s on my neck and i’m squirming beneath her. her mouth on my neck sends me off. it always make me impatient and she takes advantage of this weakness in the best possible ways. when she’s on me like this and sucking on my neck, i lift my knees. i tilt my hips up to her. i wrap a leg around her and pull at her. i run my hands down her back and grab her ass. i get desperate for her. and she takes it in and lifts her head up to smile at me. she kisses me on the mouth, then my chin, then my neck. she shifts herself down so that her stomach presses between my legs and presses into me. she kisses my chest between my breasts and stops to suck on my skin, to pinch and bite my nipples while i moan my consent. she runs a finger from the pocket between my collar bones down to my boxers. she pulls them down to expose the tiniest peek of hair and runs her fingers under the cotton, tugging at me. staring at me.
she rests her head low on my belly and kisses me as she tugs my pants off of me - keeping my boxers in place, but pulling them down below my hip bones. she kisses my thighs, kneading my muscles that are always sore these days. she slips her fingers up under the open leg of my boxers and her thumb pushes into me. ‘i love how wet you get with me,’ she says. her voice changes when when she fucks me, when she is in control. it’s a deep whisper now, throaty. she sounds like she’s sharing something big and important but only wants me to hear it.
she stays with just this. just her thumb slowly moving up and down between my legs, never even touching my clit but just making me wetter and wetter. i lift my hips, my back arching off the mattress. i press my palms down flat into the bed and leave only my feet and my shoulders on the bed. i lift and lower and let her watch me. then she puts her other hand on me. she circles her hand on my stomach. she rubs hard against my skin. she reaches up and pulls on my nipple. she moves herself and lays half on me, half on the bed all along my side. she puts one hand deep into my boxers and now her whole hand is on my cunt - what she calls my pussy. she touches her lips just behind my ear. she stays so soft and gentle. she whispers in my ear, ‘let it go, baby.’ she knows it’s hard for me to give in and give over. she kisses my face, my mouth. she shifts more on top of me and picks up the rhythm of her hand on my cunt. long, slow movements getting faster now and making me moan. i open my eyes to stare at her. her mouth is open and just above mine. i can smell her sweet breath and feel it’s warmth. i stare at her while she works her hand and her fingers more and more intensely. when i orgasm, i hold her gaze. it’s serious for a minute and then i smile. sometimes we laugh. she knows this isn’t easy for me. not like when i fuck her. it isn’t easy to accept her focus. but i feel stronger every time.
'pull your pants down. is this what you want? you want to be the bad girl? you were caught being naughty and now you want your punishment? i might be more than you bargained for.'
'i said, pull your fucking pants down. were you daydreaming?' i grab her by the back of her neck. i pull hard on her shirt and the buttons fly off into the corners of the room, rattling their way under the dresser and into the corners.
'you didn't expect that? thought you'd be able to go home unnoticed? sorry about that. think up a good story.'
the blood creeps into her cheeks and even her neck. her blush always gets me excited. her skin lets me see how much she enjoys this. a sheer, black bra peeks out from under her shirt; she dressed up for me. good girl.
i start on the top button of her pants. she tries to help me, but i brush her hands aside. ‘too late now,’ i bark, ‘stand behind the chair & grab on to the back of it.’ she knows to spread her legs as she does this. her ankles line up with the chair legs.
'stand still,' i say and move to the closet. i take out the rope and hold it up in front of her. 'no soft leather today. rope. it might leave a mark.' i crouch down slowly enough that i feel a burning in my thighs. i slip her pants off her feet. i leave her panties on. she's wearing lace that doesn't cover her ass and the roundness of her cheeks are exposed to me. i like that. i stare at it while i tie first one ankle and then the other to the chair legs.
the chair is one i had to search for a long time before i found it. i knew what i wanted. a solid base with a low back and arms. one that didn’t look like grandma’s chair but was still comfortable enough to lean over for a good amount of time. i wanted any pain to be purposeful, not uncomfortable.
'bend over the chair, please.' this 'please' eases her and she sighs with relief as she bends over. 'i'm going to tie your wrists to the chair now.' i wrap the rope several times around her wrists and up her forearms. she likes to be bound tightly. it is the only way she gives up any control. we both know this by now.
the rope will burn her skin as she struggles. she’ll be raw on her wrists and ankles if she doesn’t stay in control. she’s very good at controlling herself usually, but i can feel something different tonight. it’s like she wants to lose it and be wild. i can see something in her eyes that tells me she wants me to push her further this time. i want to do this right for her.
i start very soft. i rub up against her ass. i bend over her back and bring my arms around under her, softly cupping her breasts in my hands and moving my fingers slowly. i lift up and take off my shirt. i bend over her again with my breasts against her back and rub myself slowly up and down, letting her feel the weight of me on her back. i love feeling her skin against mine.
i kiss her as i move my hands down to her hips and squeeze her, pull her back into me harder and circle my hips against her. i dig my fingers in and thrust hard against her like i’m fucking her but with nothing there. i kiss her spine and run my hands down her outer thighs. my hands shift to her inner thighs on the way back up and i lift my thumb to press against her pussy through the lace. she’s already very wet, but it’s not time. i know what she wants but we both need to be patient.
i start by scratching my nails down her back. lightly at first, but the thin red lines start to appear. i’m raking her skin. she bristles a little as i dig deeper, but my nails are too short to do much. i press my hips into her ass to let her feel me there and make her want more. when she pushes back into me, i pull away until she relaxes. ‘you’ll have to be more patient than that,’ i remind her. she shifts her weight back and i push into her again. i can see her hands gripping the chair and i know she’s straining not to rub up against me.
my nails dip down just under her panties and back up. slowly, slowly i inch further and further down. her back is streaked with red lines all over now, but nothing has made her gasp yet. i stop for a minute. i back away and look at her.
i grab the soft leather strap that’s been hanging on the closet door and walk back to her. i bite onto her panties and tug them down to her knees. my nose brushes her ass as i do this and i nearly lose control. i am always so eager to just fuck her, but i know this is not what she wants. not tonight. and i want to please her.
i let her feel the strap, lightly. i brush it across her ass and down the backs of her thighs. i hear a little cry escape her lips and it gives me chills. i tap her ass lightly with the strap. i’m holding it close and just letting it swing lightly against her, low on her ass. then i pull my arm back with a full swing and it slaps her right where her ass and thighs meet. a pink flush blooms on her skin right away and i kiss it sweetly with my mouth before i slap her again.
i’m whipping her lightly then harder, kissing and licking her welts along the way and she’s good. she stays so still and quiet. just her quickened breath and a gasp every so often. but her body is almost limp. she has given over to me completely and she is relaxed. she needed to be taken away from everything tonight. and she’s there, but i can tell she wants something more. she wants me to push it. i need to keep up with her now. i need to show her how much i love her. i need to push outside my own comfort zone for her tonight.
i untie her wrists and ankles in silence. i want to kiss her and pull her to me, but i resist. she is shaking a little bit. she’s already so exhausted from keeping herself still and quiet during her whipping. i’m on my knees behind her. ‘turn around,’ i say. i nudge my nose just above her clit and inhale deeply. ‘i can smell your pussy. i know you’re ready, but you have to wait a little bit longer.’ i stick my tongue out and look up at her. i grab her ass with both hands, but keep my tongue just out of reach. i’m breathing on her and i can feel her heat on my chin. i take one long, slow lick the whole length of her pussy with my tongue wide and flat. i go back for another, slow and move back and forth from side to side. it’s torture to pull away, but i force myself to stop.
'pull your panties up. i want you to sit down on the floor at the foot of the bed now.' i am ordering her. my voice is steady and calm but very serious. she winces as she sits down and holds her knees to her chest. she's looking at me now and i can see that look of confusion. this is new. she doesn't know what to expect. i crouch down in front of her and reach behind her under the bed. i have something new for her and i drag it out, letting the sound of metal scrape against the floor. i pull thick chains out and around her, letting them drag against her toes. 'stay put,' i say and lock the chains to the bed posts and then pull them up on the bed.
i can tell she’s excited by the thick metal links, by the sounds they make as they click together, by the weight of them. i’ve seen her look at chains in pictures. her fascination with them has been building. she likes her surprise. ‘get on the bed,’ i tell her. she pulls herself up and lays down looking up at me. i cuff her wrists and ankles while she stares at me in that way that simultaneously says, ‘i am trusting you here’ and ‘thank you.’ she also looks scared. seeing fear in her eyes isn’t so much a turn on for me as it is a deep responsibility. it makes me quiver inside. i feel myself swell up with the honor of it, her gift to me. suddenly i am comforting her, saying, ‘i will take good care of you tonight. trust me.’
she is bound now. her limbs pulled to the four corners of my bed. she is naked except for her panties and i can see her shake a little. i spread myself over her and kiss her. i push myself between her legs and lift up slightly on my knees. i run my hands slowly from her hips all the way up to her outstretched arms. i keep my mouth on hers. she isn’t fully with me. i can feel her pulling away from the unknown. so i stay put. kissing her more and more deeply. breathing slowly and letting her feel my chest rise and fall on top of her until i feel her breathing regulates with mine. now she is kissing me passionately and her whole body starts to move. she is pulling her arms and legs and remembering that she’s spread out and bound down. now i can feel her excitement again in the way she moves her hips against me. and i pull away. i smile at her. she is almost giggling as we lock our eyes and stare at each other.
i touch her chin with my nose and tell her how much i love her. i rub her with my face - my chin, lips, tongue, nose all moving slowly on her neck, over her breasts, nibbling her sides, my tongue finds her soft belly and moves on it like it’s her pussy. i’m licking it with a pulsing pressure and she’s writhing beneath me. i hold her down with my hands, pressing on her hip bones and wrapping my fingers tightly around her. i’ve chosen this sensitive spot to let her feel what my tongue will do on her clit later. much later. there is nothing but time ahead of us and she has nothing to do but wait and take it.
i am pushing my tongue into her flesh. sometimes she laughs when it tickles and other times she is groaning and her body strains for more. i explore her skin and find more places to fuck her like this - the swell of her breast, just under her arm, her inner thigh. she yells at me asking me to lick her pussy and i stand up on the bed over her, my legs straddling her. ‘you told me to make it last,’ i remind her, smiling. she tilts her head back and arches her back under me, lifting herself as high up off the bed as she can. she is laughing hard and growling deeply at me. ‘why do you listen to me when i say things like that?’ she says, ‘you know how impatient i am.’
'let me think about it,' i say and hop off the bed. i look at her, then i leave the room. she is screaming from behind the door at me 'get the fuck back in here.' she says. she's not scared. she's in the game of it. she's playing her part. 'fuck you,' she yells. i can't stay gone long. i try, but i fail her in prolonging this too much. i'm too impatient. i want her too much. i go to the living room and get myself off. i make sure she can hear me.
i open the door. she looks so peaceful. she is smiling at me. we are new to all this. maybe someday it will feel more tense, but for now it is a game we let stay quite visible on the surface. it feels safer that way. ‘where were you?’ she asks. ‘fucking myself on the couch,’ i say. ‘i missed you,’ she says. ‘i’m here to fuck you now,’ i say and walk to the bed.
i’m at the foot of the bed and i crawl to her pussy. i lick her through her panties. i can taste her and smell her and she drives me fucking wild, but i stay slow for her. she challenged me to push her so i do my best. i lick her panties until they are soaking wet. i haven’t touched her with my hands yet. i’m being patient. i pull her panties down, but they can’t get past her knees with her legs bound like this. i let the elastic bite into her flesh and put my mouth back on her. my tongue starts at the edges, licking her outer lips and feeling her hair on my tongue. i circle her and she rises with the movements. i use my tongue to open her up and lick her inner lips and circle up and around her clit, avoiding it directly for now but feeling everything swell. her wetness never ends. it is incredible how she lasts.
'i want you wrapped around me,' i say and i move to release her. 'you've been so patient, such a good girl,' i say. she squeezes me tightly and starts to cry, 'you are mine,' she says, gasping, 'i want you to be mine.' 'i am yours,' i reassure her.
i slide her panties all the way off and bury my face in her pussy. i am prepared to fuck her all night. she climaxes first with just my tongue. it’s so quick. i kiss her until she’s ready for me again and fuck her with my mouth and my fingers. we roll around on the bed until she wants me again and this time i’m on my back with a strap-on and she is on top of me, facing me, her hands smashing against my chest, her eyes locked onto mine. we crash into each other over and over all night long in different ways.
it is endless. there is no going home. there is no outside world. we are pushing it as far as it can go.
sometimes you just want to be fucked by someone you don’t know and will never see again.
you shower after it’s already dark. you get dressed. you go out, jamming your fists into your jacket pockets. you walk fast, digging your heels into the sidewalk and you keep your head down. you know where you’re going.
there’s a club. you have to know where it is. you walk down that alley and then it’s the second door on the left, down in the basement.
cabs are pulling up and letting people out and letting other people stumble in. you can smell the river over here and it doesn’t smell good.
take out the pack of cigarettes and hit it on your palm but put it back in your pocket unopened. just go in.
down the steps and straight to the bar. scotch, neat and drink it fast. you have that look on your face. furtive, your eyes dashing around. she isn’t here. she would never be here. and that’s why you are here now.
so who will it be? find someone who looks like they can take you and stare, head tilted down, look up at them with your brow furrowed and that open, pleading look in your eyes. the first one will look away. it’s okay. let them look away, find another one.
the right one will stare back. the right one will know what this means. the right one will stare at you and then go to the bar and order a drink. and you’ll order another drink, but sip it this time. squeeze the glass hard in your hands like you’re trying to break it and sip it slow. let the booze sit on your tongue and burn a little before you swallow it down. let her watch you.
when you finish your drink, look for her again. leave a tip on the bar and turn around. push your way through the crowd. you will feel her grab your elbow before you make it to the door. let her stop you.
she pulls you back to the bar but keeps going, off to the left there are more stairs leading to a deeper basement. stone butches playing pool and don’t you dare bump up against anyone or you’ll get the shit kicked out of you and not in the way you want.
there’s a coat room. she’s getting her coat. you turn around and she slams you up against the cinder block wall and grinds her knee between your legs. she pushes into you squeezing you between her and the wall and it’s hard to breath. she is sucking your mouth. not kissing you but sucking your tongue, everything is spinning.
'let's go,' she says. and you follow her.
outside she walks right by the cabs. the street is dark. there are people fucking in doorways, but she keeps walking. there’s a chain link fence at the edge of the river. as you’re tossed against it, the sound of it is shocking - the metal rippling like a wave down the empty streets in loud crashes.
she yanks up your shirt, her mouth is on your breasts for only a few seconds before she turns you around and shoves you against the cold metal. she pulls at your belt and jerks your pants down to your knees. as she fumbles with you, the links in the fence pinch on your belly and your breasts. you bring your hands up and wrap your fingers tightly, clinging to the fence and letting her tug on you.
she bites your neck, you can feel her bruising you. she wets her fingers on your cunt. one hand then both hands between your legs. her wet finger backs up to your ass and she slides it in, pressing against you with her hips and rocking her hand and body into you. her other hand, her whole hand, is on your cunt. she is rubbing you off. you want her to fill you, but you have no say right now.
you hear the sound of a car and then you’re in the headlights for a second as a cab swings a u-turn and heads off. she’s laughing, ‘they won’t even know what they were looking at. people fucking, yes. but girls or boys? they’ll assume boys. girls don’t fuck on the street like this, right?’
the thought of having been caught in the lights makes you crazy. you want to get off. you want her to get you off, but you don’t want this to end.
she bends her knees and wraps herself around you. still fucking you in the ass, she finally pushes her other hand into your cunt and you feel yourself open up for her immediately. more fingers move into you and still you want more. you want her inside you up to her wrist. you want her fucking hand in you.
you are hanging on the fence now, your body letting go and the muscles in your arms straining and holding you up. the cold metal fence bites into your fingers and your arms start to shake. ‘you’re yelling,’ she says with amusement. you got lost. you got completely lost tonight. it’s just what you needed.
there is no exchange of numbers or names. ‘i don’t want to be fucked,’ she says ‘but that was fun.’ and then she walks away.
i waited for her to come home. i prepared myself. i took my time. just the right strap-on and the right pants to give me the bulge i wanted. i carefully ironed my shirt and dug up my favorite cuff links, the ones she gave me that first year. i looked through all my ties twice before choosing an old brown one with a strange design on it, a tie from the 30s that had always intrigued me. no vest, no coat tonight - it was too warm. just my shirtsleeves with suspenders, casual.
i fussed with my hair more than usual. pomade, my little black comb. I wanted every hair slicked back and a sharp part. it takes patience to get it just right. and i had patience that afternoon. she was worth it, always.
now i waited, standing. i don’t like to sit down when i’m finally dressed. i don’t want to crease anything. so i stood and waited and stared at the clock. she was on her way home.
i intended to surprise her tonight - dinner, dancing, a drive in the hills, a blanket to sit and look at the stars, and a flask filled with bourbon. i was set and ready. i wanted to see that look in her eyes with no worry, just relaxed and happy. i had an idea that she could sit with me on that blanket and lean back into me, maybe even fall asleep against me, and i could hold her for hours.
i am a romantic. i’m the type who lets my arm fall asleep so i don’t disturb her when she dozes off. i like to open the door for her or offer my coat if she’s cold. there’s no sin in being chivalrous to a woman as long as you don’t demand her acceptance of it. i always offer her my arm. she mostly takes it. and away we go.
i heard her footsteps, then her key in the door. my heart sped up as she walked in the room. she smiled. she tilted her head and closed her eyes. she dropped her purse on the floor. just dropped it there and let it fall open on its side.
'look at you,' she said, 'i think i need to shower and change since you're clearly up to something.' and with that, she walked away. i heard the shower and pull of the shower curtain. i hadn't moved yet, but now i turned facing the hallway that leads to the bathroom. i listened to the water running and closed my eyes. 'the best laid plans,' i thought.
i stopped just outside the bathroom door. i was dressed. i wanted to go out. but i put my hand flat on the door and pictured her in there. and then i walked in on her. she peeked out around the shower curtain and rolled her eyes at me, disappearing back into the shower. ‘you can wait,’ she laughed, ‘you’re all dressed.’
the water stopped, just a slow drip. first her foot, a hand on the wall, then her leg appears. ‘get out of here,’ she says. i stay put. ‘get out of here,’ she says and lifts my tie with her fingers. i hand her a towel, but she lets it drop. she wraps her hands around my neck. she is dripping wet and my shoulders are now soaked. ‘you’re going to ruin my tie,’ i say. she just laughs at me.
'i don't care about your tie,' she whispers, 'i don't care about your plans. we aren't even going to make it out the door, are we?'
now her hand is rubbing my chest. she slips my suspenders off my shoulders. she bends slightly and puts her hand on my knee then slides it up my inner thigh. my hands are on her shoulders and she looks up at me. she gives me this look and i push down slightly on her shoulders. she looks at my pants. she moves to her knees in front of me.
i put my hands on her face, stroking her cheeks. my thumb rubs across her lips and she opens her mouth. she kisses my thumb. she licks it slowly, her tongue circles it. i can feel my weight heavy in my legs. staring down at her there on her knees before me, her pretty mouth near my zipper, it makes me shake.
she undoes my pants and reaches in, pulling out my cock. she wraps her fingers around it and strokes me slowly, staring up at me. my mouth hangs open. i am in awe of her. using her hand, she guides my cock in her mouth. she is sucking me off with her fingers now curled around the waistline of my pants. i watch her head moving, taking me in. she reaches around and grabs my ass. my hands are gentle in her hair, but i know what she wants. i don’t want to disappoint her.
i grab her hair behind her head and pull back. i pull her off of me. i pull so that she is looking up at me. ‘get up,’ i say. i pull so that her neck stays bent, her face tilted upwards even while she stands up. i lead her out the door and into our bedroom. i sit on the edge of the bed. ‘bend over my knee.’
her body is still damp from the shower. my thighs feel the water slowly soak through my pants. her ass is bent over my lap and her body is over the bed with her arms out in front of her. i see her grip the blanket as she readies herself. i rub her cheeks first a little and then give her a sharp slap. and another. i slap her low on her ass and rub again. i can feel her body getting hotter. i slip my fingers between her legs.
i return to her ass, slapping, rubbing, moving my fingers back to her cunt, sliding my fingers inside her for a few thrusts and then back to a slap. it’s a rhythm i keep changing on her. she rocks her hips against me but can’t get satisfied. she moans at me, ‘please fuck me. i’m ready.’
i lift her off my lap. she puts her feet on the floor and bends further over onto the bed. she’s up on her elbows with her ass at my hips and she turns to look at me. i go to my dresser and get the lube. ‘fuck me,’ she says. ‘yes,’ i say.
i’m still fully dressed. just my pants undone with the cock sticking out. and she’s naked on the bed looking back at me. i let the cock rest on her ass while i get it slick. she rocks against it. i rub it on her cunt first, sliding it back and forth between her legs. one hand on her hip, the other reaches under her belly to her clit and i slide inside of her. we start slow and she likes it when the cock almost comes out completely - deep, long movements. i love this angle. her back stretches out in front of me and i run a finger down her spine.
she gets lost in it. we both do. i find my hands on her hips, pulling her onto me faster now. my hand moves again to her clit, circling its swell until she starts that low moan and cry. until she jerks and shudders and puts her head down on the bed. i pull out and lay down beside her, wrapping my arms around her. we move our bodies up onto the bed. she snuggles her back into me and pulls one arm under her head. i kiss her shoulders and tell her to rest a while. it’s still early. soon she’ll get dressed and we’ll go out. i look at her and my heart swells. she is my girl. my best girl.
she pulled at my vest when i walked by the couch. i laughed at her and lifted her fingers one by one to be free, walking away. i kept trying to find my way to her, but it was a crowded party and i got stuck in every conversation but the ones with her.
my eyes followed her all night. most times i’d stare long enough to see her lift her eyes to mine and smile. she knew. we could wait a bit longer. it was a slow dance around the edges.
i was telling a story and she walked by and wrapped her hand around the back of my neck, pulling my ear to her mouth and whispered, ‘i want all your weight on me,’ then walked on. whatever i’d been saying was lost so i excused myself to go get another drink.
i love her tease. i love the way she winds around the room knowing what angle she is to me, knowing what i’ll see in her movements. the way she crooks her arm behind her back like it’s being held there. the way she runs her finger in the sweat beading up on her glass. tracing the outline of her collarbone with her fingertips. she knows i take it all in. i will retrace her steps when we’re alone.
in the car going home, she is a little sleepy, a little drunk. she reaches over and puts her hand on my arm. she unbuttons my vest. she pulls on my suspenders and circles the buttons attaching them to my pants but leaves everything in place.
'sweet daddy,' she says, giggling. i am not, as a rule, daddy. but tonight i will be. i am. i reach a hand over and lift her skirt. 'show me,' i whisper, 'it's a long drive home.'
she puts her hands on her thighs, staring at me. she inches her skirt higher until the tops of her stockings appear. one hand disappears under her skirt, the other reaches over and grabs my thigh.
'wait,' i say, 'unbutton your blouse.' she starts at the bottom and works her way up. she pulls her shirt completely open. 'do you want to see more?' she asks, slipping the tip of one finger under her bra and across the soft, sweetness of her breasts. 'show me,' i say again, 'how do you want me to touch you?'
she pulls the strap off her left shoulder and cups her breast in her hand. she cradles it and runs the backs of her nails against her skin. i watch her nipple swell and my mouth feels suddenly dry. i am teasing myself too much and just want to pull over and grab her. but i ease my foot off the pedal and slow down instead. let’s keep going.
she takes her nipple between her thumb and index finger, squeezing and pulling on it hard. she is hurting herself a little and i see the sting in her eyes. i am dying to just stare but struggle to keep my eyes on the pitch black highway in front of me. i catch her in glimpses, in my peripheral vision. it’s like a peep show - i need to keep feeding quarters in every time time the window closes.
she moves her hand down her belly and back under her skirt. she shifts in her seat and spreads her knees wider. ‘move the seat back,’ i say, ‘put a foot up on the dash.’
her stockinged foot makes me shudder. her toes grabbing at pleasure. her heel digging into the plastic. her other hand is back on my thigh. squeezing me tight. i’m packing and she rubs on me, moaning. i unbutton and unzip my pants for her. keeping her hand on my briefs, she gets to me.
'i want all my weight on you,' i say. all night i've been thinking of it. her words rolling in my mind over and over. she grabs my right hand and shoves it under her skirt. i have to adjust in my seat to reach her and keep driving.
'fuck,' i say. 'you are so fucking wet.'
'i want you on top of me,' she says, almost growling, 'i want you pressing down on me. all your weight pinning me down.' my fingers barely touch her and she's off. she is grinding against my hand. she brings her hand on top of mine, pushing me into her.
i am fucking her hard with my fingers and trying to keep an eye on the road and my speed. she is writhing next to me and i want so much to stare at her, feel her, kiss her but i’m stuck with one hand on the wheel.
she bites her lip and lifts her hand off me when she comes. she has twisted my pants and we are both in an absurd state of undress in the car. she buries her face in her hands laughing. ‘you,’ she says, ‘i want you.’
she pulls her clothes back in order. we are silent the rest of the way home. her hand rests quietly on my leg.
when i turn off the car she grabs my cock. ‘go upstairs and strap on my favorite,’ she says. i unbuckle my seatbelt and make my way casually to the door. ‘daddy,’ she calls me and follows me inside. ‘all my weight on you,’ i say and she wraps her arms around me and squeezes me tight.
when i see her, i see my hands on her. i see the path my fingers want to take. it’s as clear as seeing a dried up river bed. even if you’ve never seen the river, you can imagine how the water flows. and i do imagine. i imagine it all.
my right hand starts on her neck with my thumb under her chin and my fingers wrapped around to the back of her neck. my index finger behind her ear, stroking. the rest of my fingers on the nape of her neck and in her hair.
slowly, my thumb brushes her neck. i feel her pulse. i move my thumb back up to her jaw and push, tilting her head up. her mouth opens slightly with this movement. my thumb caresses her firmly from her chin, along her jawline, to her ear and back again. my other hand hangs loosely at my side, but it aches to touch her. i make myself wait. i slip my thumb into her mouth. it makes me gasp. she is wanting me and i can feel it. it is incredible. it takes me by surprise - how she lets me touch her.
i inch closer to her so that we touch in places. her breasts press against mine, the buckle of my belt pushes into her, my knee brushes her. my other hand moves, slowly, to her side and i hook a finger into her belt loop and tug her firmly towards me. my finger unhooks and runs along the waist of her jeans, pushing up her sweater, feeling her skin.
my whole hand pushes under her sweater. i flatten my palm and fingers against the small of her back. i bring my right hand behind her head and pull her to me. my mouth is on hers, our bodies press together. i bring my right hand down and slip it behind her, under her sweater. both hands explore her back. my fingers crawl and press into her muscles, feel her ribs, her shoulder blades.
i want to explore her with my hands and keep my eyes closed. i want to feel everything. i want to unhook her bra and touch her soft breasts, feel the rougher skin around her nipples, tease her with my thumbs.
i want to lean her back onto the couch, bring an arm up over her head, move my hand and follow the line from her breastbone up her arm to her elbow. i want to be under her sweater.
i want to move my lips to her stomach. i want to see if she jumps when i kiss her just above her hip bones in that soft flesh. i want to tug on her jeans. unbutton and unzip and make room for my fingers. i want to kiss the spots my fingers find first. my fingers spread wide and move under clothes and in the hair hidden there, my lips following closely behind. she pulls off her sweater. she is getting warm and warmer. her cheeks are flushed. she pulls herself up on her elbows to watch me.
my fingers curl around her wet, matted hair. i can taste her now with my kisses. she is naked now; she is bare. she is stretched out on my couch. one leg slides off to the floor and her other knee bends. i am looking at her. i am looking at my hands on her. i look at her wetness and i feel her looking at me. it makes me blush to know she sees my curiosity and my awe.
'you are beautiful. you are so beautiful.' i realize that i'm whispering this out loud and i hear her laugh sweetly at me. i can't know how she feels. what it must be to see a woman so struck, so devoted. and i am devoted. i want to please her. i want to learn her pleasure with my fingers, my lips, my tongue.
when my mouth is first on her, i am slow and heavy. my tongue is learning a new language. i listen to hear how her breathing changes with each movement. what happens here? now here? i wait for her hips to call for my fingers. i hook myself inside her, i feel for what quickens her. i want her to see my arm moving, my muscles working for her. i want her to watch me and see how much i enjoy this.
i stay here as long as i can. when she pushes me away, i wait until I’m allowed back again. each time i return, she is still new to me. i listen and find my way all over again.
i want her like this. this is what i see every time i look at her.